Tuesday, May 5, 2009

A story about fear, loss, pain and rebirth..never giving up...and the faith of a mustard seed

It has been almost 3 years to the day, as I remember,it was a very cold day, "a day" that would change my life forever. The beginning of a new life and a death of an old one.Of all the 12 months in a year,January would have been a good place to start I guess.It was also the month of my birth,just days before my birthday.I walked outside my front door and saw of city girl’s dream. Wide-open spaces over looking 65 acres of country land, our land. Hills and hollers, caves, ponds and hundreds of trees, a childhood play ground.I was born and raised in southern California, what adventures I could of have had living here. What fun, able to use the outdated toy called “imagination“. This move to the country was going to be my “second” childhood. Too old to run and play but not too old to see the beauty that is laid out before me, all painted by the Master Himself the "great AM".I was in my 30’s before I ever saw a lighting bug.Running around the yard with the grandchildren and mason jars in hand. Taking the jar full of those fascinating critters into the bathroom where it was so dark, there we watched them light up the whole room without electricity.Even I didn't understand how that is. Having a love affair with nature is something I think you are just born with. I have had more then my share.Chilled but dressed in my blue overalls,I sat out to locate the dog dishes the wind had blown about the yard that the night before.
I walked over to the willow tree,there was a wooden rabbit cage were I had raised an banded baby squirrel.
It was empty now; healthy and grown I sat him free. I was always bringing things home, lost dogs and cats. I took in an unwanted goat, rabbits, birds, fish, mice and a potbelly pig. I raised a raccoon, two squirrels, geese, chickens, ducks and a loving inside pet possum. I learned a lot. One of my soft spots was always going to the local hardware store just about springtime. There would be so many new baby chicks for sale. The farmers would bring all their chicks in early spring. There was something I needed one day and I stopped there to shop, I always looked at the chicks. There would be trays and trays full of butter colored little fuzzy whatnots. Half the time I couldn’t tell what was what, only that they were little and helpless. This one old farmer was tossing chicks into a box. I asked him, “Why are you doing that”? they were so young. The old man told me they were going to die. I said, “But their not dead yet, what are you going to do with them”? “Throw them out“, he said. “Well, if your going to throw them away can I have them”? “Sure, go ahead“. Therefore, I picked up the box of 12 chicks, bought some mash and water feeders and headed back home to do what I do best, nurture. Am the other mother. I was going to save those chicks from their death sentence. With a hot lamp for heat, though still alive, one by one they would die.
“The old man was right”, I thought. After the death of 10th one, Heart broken I almost gave up. Yet two had lived.
Turns out one was a rooster the other a hen. In my mind I thought, now every farm “had” to have a rooster, right? Here's mine, he had a missing toe but he'll do.
While I was bending over to pick up a dog dish, that day in an instant, it happened. I never saw the rooster coming. That rooster was a small one, with a little attitude he had developed recently. It all happened so quickly, I did not have time to think. That rooster came right for my head, feet first. I knew he had me. The top of my head was cut in three places. I reacted by pulling my head away as I attempted to stand up. It was then the rooster’s claw hook had gone threw my right closed right eyelid. He was gone and I was in shock. Bleeding for my head, I put my right hand over my eye and said “Please God don’t take my eye”. I knew I was in trouble. I did not know how much.
I went back into the house removed my overalls put on a housedress, picked up my car keys, cell phone and headed for the door. I
Called the doctor’s office from my cell phone in the car, still bleeding and unable to see out of my right eye. I had to get to town, and I was alone.
Not aware of the severity of my injury,I called my husband at work told him to meet him at the hospital, which he did. When I arrived, I parked my car and walked into the building as if nothing had happened. I was still in shock. I have no idea how I got there, and no memory of doing so. Together we waited for the doctor. The doctor informed my husband that I was hurt much worst then what he thought. He said,” everything in my eye that was supposed to be round, was no longer round and I need surgery right away to save the eye, if that could even be done. I was in big trouble. They clean the wounds on my head and stapled the cuts closed. They tell me I had three surgeries on my right eye. Being in shock is God’s given way, to protect us from the most horrible things that happen to our human bodies and our minds. I knew it had all happened, I would say, it was like an out of body experience, being in a state of shock.
Something just took over. Something that keeps us alive. What Happened to my body, my mind just took over in an unbelieveable way.
Saved me from the pain. Maybe shock is a form of grief, the pain of loss.In my case, I lost the sight of my right eye.
The lens had to be removed, there was no way to replace it and there was damage done to the retina. The hook went though the eyelid to the retina. The eye pressure had become much too high. I remember things from time to time. Once the Doctor taking out what was referred to as “loose stitches” on my eyeball. “Look up”, he would say, as he carefully placed what looked like clipper under the top eyelid.It was like someone pulling on a string. A string that held my eyeball in place. Which was most likely the truth at some point in time. Those two eye specialists work hard to save my sight.I thank God for them everyday of my life!
Their wonderful hands put me back together like Humpty Dumpy; they did the best they could. I lost most of my colored iris, now; it is mostly a big black pupil in the place that once held a blue eye.My life seems shattered. I felt disfigured and I was now personally aware of what “I thought” other’s Saw when they looked at me.
I was very sensitive, trying to analyze the events in my life. The fact was, to me my life was all but over. I began to reach out; looking for the answers to the questions, I did not even know. I thought I had the empty nest and the middle-aged blues. However, I did not. I found I needed some significance, specially now. I do not remember much about those first 2 years after the accident. The operations, the pain, nothing a blank page. For that I am deeply grateful, God’s gift. However, it also placed me on a different road. Not the dirt road I was on, but a road of mysteries that would change my life. I found myself on a mission to find out who I was.There was I going, where I am now, what do I do? I was at the end, which opened up, a new beginning. Today I am doing what the doctors said could not be done. I believe in faith, all I needed was the faith of a mustard seed. Nevertheless, at times I think even Christians forget where God is. We say, "God“? “ HE says "yes“, we say, “Nothing", "I just wanting to know you were there“. We forget what He CAN do.I now can wear a soft contact.It looks like an ice cube dime and feels like silicone. I have to change it every 3 months. I pay a fee each year and will for the rest of my life for the gift of sight. 20/40 is what they say I can see. I do not see that straight on, I have to reposition my head; my eye can see the sides and the front as I move my head. Repositioning my head turned out to be very good advise in the long run. The last test on my retina, proved positive, no sign of a chicken scratch.I remember Jesus said something about if you are not catching fish on one side of the boat move to the other side. Reposition yourself. God has taken this time in my life and change who I was. He drew me closer to Himself. The point for sharing this long story is, God did not let me down in my darkest hour. He transformed what was made for bad into good, though I have to rely on that fake lens to see, it reminds me, that we need to rely on God to also see. I asked the doctor "why is it I can see after he said I would not be able to use a contact"? He said, "this is one of those times when the doctor is wrong and it is a good thing". But I know why, I see today with an eye that has no lens with an eyeball that was not formed well enough to hold a contact, and to get vision? It's like parting the Red Sea....never stop praying, never give up on God, HE has so much to share with you in your darkest hour.....This is my story..thank you for your time to read it.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Debbie
    I am sitting here reading this with tears in my eyes. Tears for many reasons. Each day I remind myself that God does not waste anything - trials, tears, nothing. thank you for sharing this. I am so very proud to be a sister.
    Always blessed,
    Blondie

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi there!
    I am so happy to have read your story! That is amazing but so is God! Yes, we cannot give up on our prayers. I really liked that. I have claimed Luke18:1-8 in regards to never giving up on what I am praying for!
    God is still in the business of miracles and you are proof of that!
    Thank you so much for sharing.
    In Christ,
    Sue

    ReplyDelete